It’s widely known that libido varies from person to person, and that fact is a common gripe in relationships. But new data from Lovehoney shows exactly how much sexual drive can differ between men and women, and what can influence those fluctuations.
Their survey of 14,115 people has found that, no surprises here, men’s DTF attitude remains pretty consistent with 52% of men saying their libido level doesn’t change, while only 34% women feeling that way.
Around half of women say their sex drive fluctuates week to week, in comparison to 35% of men.
And lads, listen up – this should be common knowledge but if you want to get your lady in the mood, improve her mood. 76% of women said that a good mood was the biggest cause for an increase in sexual desire, while 62% of men identified their partner as the biggest boost to their libido.
Lovehoney sex and relationship expert Sammi Cole says that mismatched libido is one of the most common issues for couples.
“A mismatched sex drive is incredibly common - in fact, two people with perfectly matched libidos are rare! But it’s important that you and your partner find a way to make your desire levels work together, as sex fosters intimacy, improves self-esteem and confidence in a relationship, and, of course, should be something fun that you do together.”
Fortunately, she has a few techniques to solve that dilemma.
1. Figure out what accelerates your sex drive
“Arousal and the desire for sex originate in the brain, not in the genitals,” Sammi says. “So, in order to feel like you want sex, you first have to figure out what turns you on mentally. This could be a memory; a specific sexual fantasy; a certain smell; a visual stimulus; or hearing your partner describe a fantasy to you. If you’re not sure, now is the time to experiment! Read or listen to some erotic fiction. Watch a few scenes from an adult movie. Treat yourself to a new
2. And figure out what pumps the brakes
"Just as important as knowing what turns you on is knowing what’s getting in the way of you wanting to become physically intimate with your partner,” Sammi says. “In our day-to-day lives, there are countless things that can have a negative impact on our libido, so you might like to start by considering some of the following. Are there external pressures that are weighing on your mind, like work, or family? Have you recently started any medication? Has there been conflict between you and your partner? Is there something your partner is doing that really turns you off? Once you have identified the root of your concerns or barriers, you can begin to address them, and get that libido back off the ground.”
3. Feel free to fantasise
“Many people in a committed relationship think that sexual fantasies involving people other than their partners aren’t ‘allowed’, and to think about another person or sex act during an intimate moment is a form of infidelity,” Sammi explains. “But, in reality, the brain sometimes needs as much of a hand getting things going as the rest of your body does, and just like you might need a certain form of physical stimulation to climax, you might need to kickstart your arousal with a specific sexual fantasy that doesn’t necessarily match the action of the moment. It’s perfectly normal!”
4. Get to know yourself better
“It’s been well documented that the more sex you have, the more you want it, but taking those first few steps isn’t always easy. So, rather than having sex with your partner even when you don’t feel like it, the best way to start upping your libido is on your own. Masturbation allows you to do as much or as little as you like, climax in your own time, and rediscover physical pleasure without the pressure of a partner being present. But, because your brain is releasing many of the same hormones as when you have sex, you’re helping to strengthen that desire for sex and intimacy, which will only help your sex life in the long run.”