Any time a woman says something in bed along the lines of, “What do you want me to do to you?” my mind goes blank.
I mean, sure, there’s stuff that needs doing. But, to be honest, I don’t even know what words would turn her on. Penis maybe? Dick? Boner? How about schlong—would schlong work?
Since (for the most part) guys are totally clueless, we appreciate it when you initiate the dirty talk. So on behalf of verbally stunted men everywhere, please feel free to speak up during coitus. (Though you probably want to avoid using the highly unsexy word coitus.) When you do, here’s what will be going through our heads.
1. “Score! She’s into it!”
There are tons of ways to provide feedback in the bedroom—you can writhe, moan, or dig your nails into us (but not too hard because that hurts). But no signal is as easy to read as actual words. It’s proof that you’re not just along for the, uh, ride and possibly the sexiest way to show us that you care.
2. “Is her voice always this sexy?”
Your vocal chords seem to beef up during moments of arousal. Suddenly, you sound like Jessica Rabbit or a phone sex operator—in a good way. We like when that hotline bling.
3. “Quick, think of something sexy to say back!”
Once you’ve served us something spicy, we’re obliged to return the favour. But it’s tricky. If I say the wrong thing, this train is going off the rails. How dirty does one get? Should we assume we’re moving into role-play territory here? Or is this just a civil conversation about who’s going to put what where? When in doubt, I keep my comments brief.
4. “This is next-level carnal knowledge.”
The dirty talk keeps both people in the moment, which is probably why all those experts preach about communication in bed, out of bed, all of the time. You get to know what your partner likes and build a deeper intimacy. Also, mind reading is hard.
5. “Well, that was weird.”
You might mean well when you suggest experimenting with something way out of the box in bed, and unless we've discussed this before we might get scared. If you happen to be considering anything extra freaky, please bring it up before everybody’s naked and excited to get down to business as usual. For the truly kinky stuff, you need some clean talk before the dirty talk.
This article originally appeared on Womenshealthmag.com