This Might Be The Best Sex Toy Review Of All Time

This Might Be The Best Sex Toy Review Of All Time

"My legs went straight out like those goats who faint when scared." - by Lauren Williamson

by | Jul 2, 2019

With so many options on the market (not to mention the range of baffling bells and whistles available these days) shopping around for sex toys can be challenging. But one of the best ways to determine that a particular play thing is up your alley, so to speak, is by word of mouth (I mean, we all know that Sex and the City ep about The Rabbit).

And boy, do we have a recommendation for you thanks to, arguably, the best sex toy endorsement of all time for the Tracy’s Dog Clitoral Sucking Vibrator.

 

In April, Amazon reviewer “Express7976″ did not hold back in detailing her first experience with popular sex toy.

“Having read everyone’s reviews, I had high expectations,” she begins. “But with the price being under 50 dollars, I wasn’t exactly going to be shocked if it was mediocre. A few friends of mine bought it recently, and told me of its power. I was warned to take the day off, hydrate, and above all do some stretches. I thought they were being such drama queens.”

Initially she praised the quick delivery time of two days (“off to a good start”), the discreet nature of the box and the 2.5 hour charge time.

“Not too bad, I plug this lil bad boy in. While the kids are at school waiting for it to charge, killing time reading some erotica my friend and fellow queenie, recommended because I don’t have time to screw around waiting to get into “the mood”. I have to get the kids in a few hours and I need to be ready to go when this thing is done charging. Tik tok b!tch, tik tok welcome to motherhood. “Patiently waiting” me is checking to see if the light has stopped blinking every 10 minutes like a crackhead waiting for his dealer. After only and hour and a half, solid pink light.”

It’s officially game on.

RELATED: “I Tried This Sex Toy And Had The Most Intense Orgasm Of My Life”

sex toy

Tracy’s Dog

First she tinkered with the settings on her hand rather than heading straight to home base. 

“The vibration for the g spot part is quite strong, I was impressed with with that even before use,” she writes. “Next was suction. So many levels it was interesting to see the different patterns and strength. There are 10 levels for clitoral and 10 patterns for g spot. I’ve never used a clit suction type stimulator, so I have nothing to compare it to, but looked forward to it none the less. Time to solo party.”

With any new toy it’s trial and error in getting the positioning right, she explains, so it was a bit time consuming and frustrating at first.

“I started the clit one on low, which I barely even felt,” she continues. “Unbeknownst to me it wasn’t lined up 100%. So, me being me, I decide to go from zero to 60 in 3.5. I hit the suction button setting to level 5 or 6 and hit the g spot button as well. And made a minor adjustment on suction placement. At least I think that’s what happened, Because I’m pretty sure I blacked out.”

The hysterical descriptions don’t stop there.

“My legs went straight out like those goats who faint when scared. I never came so fast and so hard in my life. I squirted, I have NEVER DONE THAT… I frantically tried to turn it off, but ended up hitting the buttons like a maniac, sending to even stronger suction and now variant pulses from the g spot vibrator. And came, again. Im pretty sure I levitated. It was an unending orgasm. This time, my soul left me, and god himself said “child, it is not your time, go back to the lil pink light.” (Mind you, I’m agnostic.)”

The reviewer says she was brought back to her earthly body after managing to pull it off and peg it across the room.

“I shook for a good 5 minutes, I couldn’t get up off the bed if even wanted to. I stared at my ceiling dazed trying to remember who I am and what year is this.”

It turns out that skipping her friends’ advice to stretch was a poor choice.

“In my seizure like orgasms, I hurt my hip and back. Im still hobbling 4 hours later. I did not stretch enough.”

Her final judgment?

“In conclusion, this met and exceeded expectations. Hydrate, make sure you don’t have to do anything that involves decisions or brainpower for the rest of the day. And for the love of god, stretch like you are about to run the 500 meter dash.”

You’ve been warned. 

RELATED: 3 Things You NEED To Do After Using a Sex Toy

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