A deal-breaker which many female commenters brought up was non-reciprocity, or "when their ideas about women's pleasure are the same as DJ Khalid's." Expecting oral sex from your partner while refusing to reciprocate is pretty unfair, and feeds into an outdated narrative about heterosexual sex where the needs of the male partner are prioritised over those of the woman.
For many, discovering that their partner had a very specific kink proved difficult, especially when their fantasies hinged on violation of consent. "My ex was into rape s**t but never told me," one post said. "She would push me away when I grabbed her and wanted me to figure it out. It was an instant turn off and was still annoying once she told me because it was impossible to tell when she was serious or not." Commenters were quick to respond to this, explaining why safe words are important in role-play scenarios where the word "no" can be sometimes interpreted as part of the fun. "My girlfriend is into rape fantasies, fantasy being the keyword," wrote one commenter. "It's about being consensually forceful... we have a safe word for this."
In one extreme case, a post recalls how they were asked by their ex-girlfriend, who had been abused in early childhood, to engage with role-play in which she was a child and he was an adult molesting her: "It's not that I was judgmental about that, I can understand how that could be healing to re-enact that in a situation where she was actually in control, but it was way outside the boundaries of what I was comfortable with. I said no and our relationship went to shit immediately after that."
Communication about what a person is and isn't into was frequently brought up. One commenter expressed their frustration that some people don't seem to understand that what works in one relationship doesn't necessarily carry over into another. "What your last partner did is not a blueprint for what your current partner should do or would like," they said. "You have to take time to get to know each person's likes, limits, and respective sex drives." Communication about turn-ons and turn-offs is key; another commenter recalled dating somebody who "took offence at every single suggestion as if it were a demand... If we can't communicate without the fear of pissing you off how are we supposed to know what we like or don't like?"
Similarly, a number of commenters said that they'd appreciate more openness from their partners when they don't want to have sex. "My partner gets mad at me if I don't want to have sex," one man wrote, "she accuses me of cheating, or being gay, or thinking she's ugly because men are supposed to always want it." This works both ways: "I've been on the other side of this in the past," wrote a female commenter, "feeling unattractive because a guy doesn’t want sex because of sexist stereotypes that have been ingrained in me."
While for others, their objections were rooted in basic hygiene. One comment offered up sage advice which all readers can act on: "Wash your ass!"
This article originally appeared on Men's Health US.