The gym is a fascinating microcosm that contains a diverse array of fauna, not often seen together in any other circumstances. The keen gym-goer should be able to observe all of the specimens listed below and maybe add a few more of their own.
The super perky personal trainer
Sure, they’ve already had four coffees and it’s not even 7am, but even their off the charts levels of caffeine consumption can’t account for how relentlessly bubbly they are ALL THE TIME. It must be the kale.
The teacher’s pet
You know that person, always up the front of the class and always two moves ahead of the instructor. They like to hang around after class fan-girling over the trainer as well, and are probably friends with them on Facebook.
The half-asleep receptionist
They were probably on close last night, and back here at 5am in the morning, so can you really blame them? If you’re lucky, they might look up from Facebook as they scan you in to give you a weary smile. This is a close relation to the one more often found on weekends– the hung-over receptionist. Hot tip – if you bring them a coffee, they will be forever grateful, and probably won’t force you to hunt through your overcrowded handbag for your membership card every time you come in.
The gym bro
When not meal prepping or sneaking off to an illegal back alley solarium, the gym bro will be in his natural habitat. Usually found in a gang of like-minded bros, so that they can reassure each other through a complex series of grunts that their lats are looking HUGE today.
The person who leaves chocolate bar wrappers everywhere
Who are you and why are you taunting me like this?
That person who just comes in and sits on the machines watching the TV
Do they not have a television at home? Or do they just really, really, really like music videos? When this person finds out about Netflix, their mind is going to be BLOWN.
Every rep that they do is accompanied by a shriek that would make a banshee proud. If you’re lucky and the set is going really well, you might even be privy to the rare occasion of them screaming out their own name.
The yummy mummy
These women always look so immaculate you would be hard pressed to figure out if they have actually done a workout, or just came to the gym to stretch elegantly in their Lululemon.
Sure, they like to give the impression that they’re all about the Zen and the inner peace, but yogis are actually the most competitive and cut-throat bunch in the gym. To the unseasoned eye they may look as if they are focusing on their inhalations but really they are furtively checking each other out from the corner of their eyes, to see if anyone’s headstand is better than theirs, or who has the bendiest back bend.
That one person who is always doing crazy gymnastics stuff
This is the person who went to CrossFit once and thought to themselves ‘I got this’, and proceeded to put together a program featuring all of the most extreme looking moves they found on YouTube. Just keep your distance from them, or you are liable to lose your head from a rogue kettlebell when they are doing single arm clean-and presses while balanced on top of a fit-ball.
Gaggles of teenage girls doing donkey kicks
And hip raises, and banded walks. Butts are in, thanks largely to the a bunch of sisters who got theirs in the surgeons office, rather than the gym.
The terrified newbie
The person who obviously doesn’t know what they’re doing and just jumps on the first machine they see, then proceeds to do it totally wrong. We were all this person once. Give them a smile and some help if they are receptive to it.
Like any other fragile ecosystem, we need to look after the gym in order for it to flourish. So clean up after yourself, put your weights away, and wipe your sweat off the machines when you’re done.
When she isn’t torturing people in the gym, or patting random dogs, Emma spends her spare time writing for www.tinylovebug.com