Yoga gives your core an epic workout – not only because you’re manoeuvring your body into pretzel-like positions, but also because you’re desperately clenching to prevent accidental arse acoustics.
And this mum’s account of her failure in the latter will have you in hysterics. 31-year-old Laura Mazza, a mother-of-two from Melbourne, posted the epic tale on Facebook, and the post has quickly gone viral with over 38,000 likes and 20,000 shares.
“I'd like to say I'm making this story up, but alas no,” she begins.
Laura explains that having kids has separated her abdominals like “Moses parting the Red Sea” and that her physio suggested yoga to help fix it. After finding a pair of yoga pants that looks less “bally-y”, paired with her regular nanna jocks (“no time for g strings here”) she entered the class full of candles.
“I'm thinking, holy sh*t this is real yoga, not like 5, 6, 7, 8 and stretccchh... this is 'i’m going to go to a high place of enlightenment' right here.”
After some awkward introductions, things were looking up.
“We started doing these random positions, moving into the upward facing dog and I feel a nice crack in my back, thinking i can do this...I totally love yoga. I am a yoga girl!! Look at me so fit right now,” she writes.
But not for long.
“We move into the downward facing dog... and that's when I started to feel my guts.”
“Now for the past few weeks I have had IBS Symptoms like something crazy. My farts stink like something mixed between a rotten egg and an incineration plant.”
“And somewhere between the dolphin position and the three legged dog two of those burning garbage eggs slip out and I fart.”
“I'm thinking, do I leave? Do I leave the country? Is this happening?? IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? Not only do I look like a slob but now I stink too.”
However, she persevered.
“I gather my resolve and say you know what? Whatever. Everyone farts and I can't help it. I continue attempting these ridiculous positions and suck in my core. Fitness here we come.”
“We then go down on this position where we stretch right out but our legs are like a frog on the floor. The teacher then came around and pushed everyone down lower... I thought oh good, gonna get a nice crack in my back again. I hold in my butthole nice and tight to make sure no farts escape again.”
Unfortunately, she explains that the yoga teacher chose that moment to help her with the manoeuvre.
“She comes over... pushes my back down… And buuuuuuuuuurrppppfffffff. The loudest trumpet comes out of my ass.”
“OH MY GOD. Sweet baby Jesus. What just happened. I'm dreaming. Surely. I'm in a nightmare.”
At this point Laura bolted out of the class.
“I turn around just as I'm closing the door And look up embarrassed to see everyone on their knees wide eyed staring at me in shock... (or in an awake coma from the smell).”
“Now I'm sitting at McDonald's eating a sundae crying and laughing,” she added.
“Sorry physio. I'm never ever ever EVER, doing yoga again. F*ck the muscle separation.”