Whether you went on your honeymoon 12 years ago, or don’t plan on going on one for another 12 years, you can create the wedding-night sex vibe by triggering your reward system, says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., an anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of The First Sex. This sends feel-good chemicals dopamine and epinephrine, the same hormones your body pumps out when you're super blissed out—like on your wedding day.
In the morning, use a ballpoint pen to write him a sexy note somewhere on his body. Try the top of his thigh (prime real estate, with minimum exposure to coworkers). Giving him (and yourself) nine or 10 hours to see, think about, and fantasize about your note starts the percolation process.
Once you're both home, have him hold your head with both hands, tilt your head back, and gently kiss the side of your neck.
Ask him to stay away from your traditional “go-to” spots, kissing the parts of your body he usually ignores, like the inside of your elbow or your hipbone.
Now that you’re under the covers, expand your repertoire of oral sex—a nice reward in itself. Paget suggests the Kivin method: Have him lie perpendicular to your body, which allows him to stroke your clitoris with your tongue in a crosswise motion, rather than up and down.
If you’re attached, a business trip equals massive sexual deprivation. So when you reach home, the deprivation turns into sexual gorging. “You usually find that this is the most romantic sex, because it starts out with long, luscious kisses that really get the juices flowing,” says Ava Cadell, Ph.D., a California sexologist and author of Stock Market Orgasm.
You can simulate this kind of passion—whether you’ve been away for eight days or eight minutes—by having him give you this kind of kiss: First, have kiss him your face all over—lightly, then lick the outside of your lips, and kiss your bottom lip. “There’s a correlation between a woman’s bottom lip and her vagina," Cadell says. "Sucking gently on her lip will make her vagina swell.”
"When you fight, anger drives up testosterone in both men and women," Fisher says. "If you go to bed with increased testosterone and agitation, the sex drive is going to be stronger."
You can reenact fighting—and the emotions that go along with it—without hurting each other, Cadell says. She suggests trying anything that will create a little physical tension between the two of you. Like miniature golf, if that's your thing. “You can do anything that’s just a little competitive,” says Gloria Brame, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist and author in Atlanta. “Once you start competing, you can get physical and really work each other up.” Other options include pillow fights or naked wrestling—whatever floats your boat.
Sometimes when you’ve decided together that the relationship isn’t working, you end up having sex to end things on a high note. Occasionally, that last hurrah winds up being better than any you’ve had in the past six months. Fisher says that there’s some speculation among researchers that in so-called last-chance copulation, a man may unknowingly alter the levels of certain hormones in his semen, and that may trigger his partner to ovulate spontaneously. Woah.Another theory is that when you know you’re never going to see someone again, you want to leave them wanting you—and you’ll do anything to drive them out of their mind, says Cadell. “So you both end up concentrating on being uninhibited.”
To reduce stress and inhibitions, have him give you a massage and focus only on your earlobes, hands, and lower back—the unsung erotic spots. Have him also hit your lower spine to release tension and reach your pleasure zones in an indirect way. Brame says, “This area is a nerve centre with connections all over, so rubbing her lower spine could make her feel tingly in front.”
During a birthday bang, it's clear who’s doing the giving and who’s doing the receiving—which means there’s no pressure for the receiver to reciprocate, says Cadell. Because of that, there’s a huge buildup of anticipation for the birthday gal.
For the 363 days of non-birthday sex, you need to build that same anticipation between the two of you. Try this:
Tell him you want to take him somewhere special tonight. Then tell him you're leaving your underwear at home. Then take him to a place that plays Latin music. “Latin dancing is very sexual, especially the movement of the pelvis,” Cadell says.
When you’re back home, he can give you your present: a mind-blowing orgasm. Get on top of him and tilt your hips forward a little so that your clitoris hits his pelvis. The tilting also means his penis will hit your G-spot. Those two spots will be plenty, but for extra pleasure, caress or lightly stimulate other sensitive areas—your lips, nipples, butt—with your hands or fingers.
Having sex with someone for the first time is exciting because of the discovery factor, says Louanne Cole Weston, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. “You’re really tuned in to every sense, and you’re feeling things for the first time.”
The key to having brand-spanking-new sex is playing with your senses—or at least stimulating them in a new way. “When you take away one of the senses, the others work overtime,” says Cadell.
Here are a few ways to change the sensory experience:
- Try Cadell’s honey game: He's blindfolded; you hide a dab of honey somewhere on your body. He tries to find it—using only his tongue.
- Have him take a swig of champagne, then kiss your body while it’s still in his mouth. The fizz will tingle.
- Tie each other’s feet together with panty hose. Mild bondage heightens sexual urgency, Paget says.
Aruba sex is hotter than suburb sex due to the change in scenery. “There’s a marking-the-territory factor for most men and women,” Weston says. “Sex on vacation is a virginal experience in a way.”
To take a vacation day any day, turn upside down on the bed—feet at the pillow end. “Even doing something simple like hitting the bed at a different angle or sitting or standing up on the bed will add extra stimulation,” Weston says.
Changing the order of foreplay also helps. Instead of just making out, have him kiss your neck, inner thighs, and wherever else. Have him pick random spots so you don't know where he's going next.
Many couples feel an intense emotional connection the first time they start trying to have a baby. "For so long you’ve avoided pregnancy, but now you’re ready to be a parent," Weston says, "Saying you want to have a baby with someone is very romantic."
To recreate that experience, minus the pregnancy, put flower petals on the top of a ceiling fan and turn it on when you lie down to up the romance factor. Then, have sex on your sides face to face. It’s the most equal of the sexual positions. If you’re facing each other, there’s more of an emotional bond than when one is on top of the other, Weston says. And if you're really feeling fancy, play a song that means something to the both of you. “If something has special meaning to you both, bring it to the bedroom because it creates a special connection between the two of you,” Brame says.
This article originally appeared on Womenshealthmag.com.